The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
I read the quote above and immediately felt better about the situation that I am going through. Then I read further and came across this quote:
I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words they determine where you are spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. How you react under pressure is how the real you reacts.– John Bevere
I cannot locate myself.
I have been very happy with how things have been. I had gone through two DUI’s in my past….not one but two. I used to party like I would literally die tomorrow…and I’m surprised I haven’t. The last two years have been the most transitionally positive times I’ve had in years. The first year was hard; I didn’t understand the ability to completely stay sober. I didn’t understand what I would do with my time…especially when I was holding on to deep pain that I couldn’t let go of. I would drink to numb reality. This past year has been incredible because I got rid of literally every single person that brought me down, I cut off every temptation, I threw myself head first into yoga. I did yoga everyday at times. I started running. I most recently cut out meat from my diet and started living a more plant based life. I lost 7 pounds, went to yoga school and I still have great dreams for the future that are not here yet.
And then I made a mistake.
I can’t say that I’ve hit rock bottom because I feel I’ve been hitting it since I turned 19 or 20. I have been in much more serious times of defeat. I have been to rock bottom and I remember that feeling.
Today I am back to being “tested”. Today I am in a huge amount of guilt that I cant let go of. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I feel insane.
Half of me feels nothing because besides my problem I can’t seem to run away from, I have a great life. This is another speed bump.
But let me be honest for one-second….When I got “tested” a couple days ago…that faith inside me hit bottom. I started having nightmares maybe dreams of ending my precious life. I can’t say that I would ever do it…but the fact that my brain immediately resorts to that? That’s no good. That is completely out of the question….but its me being honest.
I have so much guilt that arises when I am not doing the right thing. I have pain from all ends of my life that pops up.
I went to yoga last night and could barely handle it at all; I ran about 7 miles this morning…I hope things improve. I haven’t been eating or drinking much water so I feel weak and helpless. I took a couple days off work. I wake up in the morning back to that dark place I try so hard to stay away from.
Life is a test. Life is precious. I try not to stress out about what I cannot change or control….but knowing my perfectionistic controlling self, I hate defeat.
I feel defeated.