Tag Archives: change


Have I mentioned how freaking happy I’ve been lately? If you follow me on Instagram, this may already have been apparent to you. I am a smile-ear-to-ear grateful for everything these days person. I wish I could put this into a how-to manual for the negative-energy-sucking-non-aware people.

Does anyone know my story?
Does anyone know what I’m about to go through?
Probably not.

I have 3 DUI’s…..I am 9 months sober today and grateful for my life. I have trial in a week and a half and am looking at about 4 months in jail minimum…..with a miracle, it could be less but that is what I am looking at. I figured you all should know in case I drop off the face of the internet for a bit hehe. I could cry about my future and play the victim card a while longer but what the hell would that do for me?

In my entire unhealthy drinking/living career, I am grateful that I managed to get out from all of this without hurting myself or another. Today I get to be alive. People ask why I run so much, why I’m always in the mountains, why I do so much yoga and why am I never able to relax?
Well now you know…what’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy it? Imagine you’re going to jail in a few weeks…what would you do today?
What would you do tomorrow?

Imagine if you looked into your future and didn’t see the freedom that you have today…

Now imagine you’re not like me and don’t have to go to jail.
Look at how you live your life and think to yourself…why am I not living a more free, fulfilling life?
Why am I living in this small boring box, going to work feeling shitty about how much I hate my job, how much this hangover hurts, why do I stay with a lover who doesn’t connect with me?

Why do I allow myself to play small?
Why don’t I truly embrace my life?

I’m reading this amazing book by Danielle LaPorte called The Desire Map. It talks about rather than create a goal list, a bucket list, a 1, 5 and 10 year plan, why not create a Desire List?
Sometimes we make lofty goals and sometimes life happens and changes us from ever getting to some of those goals….we feel sorry for ourselves and we sometimes forget our lists all together. She comes at goal setting from a whole different angle in which she says create a desire list.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?… your ideal life I’m asking you this now…how do you want to FEEL?

Here is my list for the current time:


Now she says stick that somewhere and look at it everyday, add to it, start over, get creative with it. Now look at that list, and really dissect the list…think of things that make you feel those feelings….

Now do something everyday that makes you feel some of those feelings…now do them every day. Soon enough the things you do everyday that make you feel those ideal feelings end up shaping the path to your ideal life.

On an end note, nothing makes me happier than doing the best I can with what I have. Enjoying the people I have in my life. Enjoying the freedom I have today, and when I face my hardest times, I will treat is as a meditation, a life lesson, to help others see the greatness in their life while they can. We think our lives can be so hard sometimes even when nothing really is that hard…..remember that life is about perspective and why waste it by looking at the negative side of everything.

1377388_376622242440463_262925_nCreate SPACE by letting go.

Something I’ve never really been good about is showing weakness. My perfectionistic obsessiveness always brought me to a place of pushing to be perfect when I really just needed to relax…


Sometimes in life we need to take it easy. Anything we push in life surely will go away in one way or another. In my case, its battling this tendonitis. It started a year ago in my left wrist. I was jumping into handstands, crow, anything upside down. I still do these things but at that point in my life I was aggressively pushing the pain out of my mind and thinking it would go away in time. I am 27 years old and to this day (knock on wood) I’ve never broken a bone, I’ve never sprained anything and really never been hurt. Anything I have ever done has served me well and anything that hurts always went away. Time sure has changed, because I’m starting to really feel pain if I work too hard in one form of exercise…I wake up in back/shoulder pain once and awhile and realize I am no longer invincible like my ego thought I was.


My tendonitis got worse….I went to teacher training and spent the whole training working against myself with this wrist problem. When I got home from training, it got so bad that I finally went to a hand therapist. I didn’t feel things were really helping since It was just in a brace for months so I took up acupuncture. I also felt that that only helped lesson the pain for a short while. Keep in mind through all this I was still getting upside down on my mat and not modifying for shit.


Finally we tried natural injections and within a month, everything was gone. Woohooooo. It’s been about 4 or 5 months now with a good wrist.


Now my tendonitis is back and it’s in my shoulder, around my rotator cuff and down my upper arm. I couldn’t sleep for days and it felt like constant aching. I went to my chiropractor and acupuncture doc again and we are working through this.


I am also doing a 30 day yoga challenge this month.

ohhhhh the power of an addictive crazy person. Things are different now though…I have been to 6 classes in the last 5 days and have mixed in Bikram, Yin and in my normal power classes, I’m dropping my knees in chatarunga and not getting upside down. As much as I have mini panic attacks when I’m holding a chair pose prayer twist and the teacher says we can jump into side-crow if that’s in our practice, I stay still…I know now that my ego has brought me injury, and my ego will continue to try to give me injury but only if i let it.

So I learn to let go…

Quiet the ego down that tells me I will not be a good teacher if I cant do EVERYTHING.

It’s so important to be aware of how we treat our bodies and we have to mentally check in with our intentions. In my case, I had the intention of looking good. I came to my mat to prove to everyone in the room that I could follow all the teachers orders in grace. But that’s pure bullshit now isn’t it? No one gives a flying care what you do on your mat. They also don’t care what you do in your life. Everything is all up in our heads to try and wear this special mask when we are all not that special.

When we injure ourselves and continue to ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us, which is to relax and lay off a little, we cause further pain.


We need to use yoga to free our ego. Become whole. Become quiet. We come together to share the energy of breathing and moving and living…but coming to yoga to show off your damn gymnastics skills, especially on injury will only burn you out. This month I’m learning to be gentle with my body and mind….because I want this mind and body to last longer than my shitty ego sometimes:)


So create space. let it go….let go the need to be so much more than you are. be happy with yourself because you are already perfect.


I decided to make a youtube video that you can click above ↑

You can skip through the whole beginning since I never make videos and during this one, I sure did ramble a whole lot but don’t want to re-make it! Oh well!

I’m on day 3 of my Juice Cleanse where I am mainly just drinking vegetable and fruit based juice in replacement of all solid food.

I have AMAZING energy so far. I actually have more energy now than I did before I started its pretty great. I have my story above in the video but here are a few of my juices with the ingredients I added in them:




Juice #1 (my main morning juice)

3 stalks of celery
1 apple
2 leaves of kale
1 cup spinach
2 slices of honeydew
half a lemon







Juice #2: (when you’re craving sweets)

1/2 cup honeydew
1/2 cup pineapple
5 strawberries
A little mint







Macachino by Suja Elements:

Great coffee replacement  ingredients: purified water, organic coconut meat, organic almonds, organic coffee extract, organic cacao powder, organic black sesame, organic maca, organic vanilla bean, and organic coffee beans:)









I was going to buy a bunch of green SUJA Juiceoptions for when I’m on the go but they are $9 a bottle rounding up….then I remembered Whole Foods Market has freshly made green juice for 9.99 for a half gallon.

I bought this as well as “Just Beet it” by Whole Foods which consists of carrots, beets and oranges.





this was my worst one lol....i tried to be creative and add grapefruit and beets. ICK.

this was my worst one lol….i tried to be creative and add grapefruit and beets. ICK.

I blend everything and add water with a handful of ice. i drink anytime i feel hungry. i never deprive myself.

I blend everything and add water with a handful of ice. i drink anytime i feel hungry. i never deprive myself.





I’m back I’m back!!! Feels like it’s been so long! I have had a broken computer forever…I have updated a few times from my cell and iPad but nothing compares to writing on my laptop. Sometimes over the last couple weeks, I would be daydreaming about what I wanted to write about and then when I thought about it more…the thought of doing it all via phone sounded too exhausting…my thoughts move much too fast for my measly phone. Anyway I finally got off my ass and took my Mac to the Apple store and found out it was a lot easier to fix than expected…go figure.

Anyway! A lot has happened since last time I updated!  Last month I had seen Rachel Brathen for the master class and it was amazingggg. Since then I have really worked on my arm balances. I also signed up for Bryan Kest’s master class for the 18th of this month! I can’t wait to see him again, I saw him a year ago and he is fantastic!


Things that have happened since:

  • I turned 27!…Holy crap.
  • I turned 6 months sober.
  • I hiked.
  • I yogaaad.
  • I ran.


Let’s start with my birthday. I am officially 27…When I was a little girl, I imagined that by the age of twenty-seven, I would be married with a child, living in a house that I owned and working a 9-5 job. My life is quite the opposite and I’m learning to accept it. I officially gave up trying to control everything this year. I can’t control you, I can’t control the future, I can’t control anything other than my actions…I have my side of the street to clean and that is what I’ve committed to this year. A year of bettering one’s self to the point of beaming happiness…a commitment that allows me to be completely present and content with this moment…right here right now. No one else EVER truly cares what you do and where you are in your life. Most people are always so focused on themselves that if we actually spend time trying to be someone or do certain things just to seem impressive, just to seem “normal”….well we are setting ourselves up for failure. I have come a long way since 26 and I wouldn’t change it in any way.

276f821a8b0c11e3a9f012ad4d8b6503_8b00af6b08b0511e3b4f8125509de5c1b_8 1546114_10201213441249615_1686526648_n

So what did I do for my birthday? Well I went to a drag show with my best girlfriends of course! Haha I have never seen a drag show and its been on my bucket list! It was heaps of fun and all COMPLETELY SOBER:)



Thats brings me to my sobriety…woohoo I made it 6 months! It actually went by really fast. It’s amazing how happy I have been since I quit. Well it was really hard at first with the transition and the whole idea of “having to actually feel everything” but once you get past your fears and your ego…there is this space. A space of freedom…and that is where I am right now. I am at a place where I have the ability to be happy in every form because I let go of holding on to the one thing holding me back…and that was my alcohol problem…Anyway it feels great and I feel a lot more healthy!


Another thing I’ve done since my last post is hike of course…heres a picture of me at Poo Poo Point! I’m coming back here sometime soon to go paragliding! 



Here are a couple pictures from my yoga lately:

first attempt at headstand with lotus variation

first attempt at headstand with lotus variation

Brian and my first attempt at acro yoga!

Brian and my first attempt at acro yoga!



day of the superbowl....our hawks killed it!

day of the superbowl….our hawks killed it!

And some excellent shots from my runs:


7 mile run along the waterfront in Seattle

7 mile run along the waterfront in Seattle

It’s crazy to see this today when a year ago, I felt this was absolutely impossible…we learn in time that we hold fear to many things that are created as more complicated then they actually are. In time, with faith and confidence, we move our impossible thoughts to possible actions….which creates growth.

“The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can”
-Robert Cushing


It’s around 12am the night after Christmas and realize how disconnected I am from my blog. My computer stopped working a couple weeks ago and I kind of just said, “to hell with it!”. I absolutely hate updating my blog via iPhone because my words get jumbled with spelling errors so forgive me now.

It’s Christmas. A whole year has already gone by. On Sunday, I will have 5 months sober and then it’s already the new year! Holy smokes time sure does fly by.

I have had so many experiences this year that have completely changed my life. I live from a place of gratitude these days and I live from a place of content. I no longer feel the need to wish things were different, wish people were different and wish my life would have gone a better route. I no longer feel the need to lose weight…I’ve almost grown out of this blog and sometimes want to start fresh with a different point of view. It’s funny how the moment we stop suffocating the need to be different, change actually occurs. We strangle people into trying to be people they are not, relationships they are not…we try so damn hard to find the perfect diet, we spend hours in a gym trying to emphasis the person we want to become, or the person we think we are.

Life will hand us so much,
A lot of it we truly cannot control.
All we can do is be our true authentic selves.

All we should do is embrace our passion, and if we don’t know what that is yet, we should make effort to discover it. We need to dive into our fears of all forms, experience things outside our comfort zone and be more open minded. The one thing I am working on most currently is the ability to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable for me is possibly one of the hardest things to do because I have crazy abandonment issues. I fear pain and if I can control feeling it, I do. But without vulnerability we aren’t really being authentic, we are lying to ourselves and to others by walking around with walls all around us.

Another thing is that a year ago I never thought my happy medium would be that I am a sober pescatarian that believes in running and yoga over all other forms. Sure I do more than that, but my mind used to think giving up meat was stupid, and quitting alcohol forever was unrealistic. A year ago I realize I was a lot more closed-minded. I didn’t share my real feelings, I clung to diet pills, and my self image was plummeted and all I had was this blog to show accountability to change.

Well I’ve changed alright…and I never want to go back. All I want from life is the ability to actually live it, fully. I want to face my soon-to-be challenges with grace, and once I get through that I want a BIGGER game plan. I want to really do something different and possibly get out of this country…but all shall be revealed in time:) life changes so fast…and this past year has taught me that I can handle a whole lot more…but now, with grace.


I run to escape my thoughts, I run to analyze and solve problems, I run because I still can, I run because at the end of the day…I have this happiness.

Running for me is a moving meditation.

It never used to be like this, I also never ever would call myself a “runner”. Usually running is extremely hard for me…well it was. I used to buy the wrong shoes; usually Nike and I would get horrible knee pain. I never used to stretch, I never properly ate and during the run I felt like I was torturing myself.

This year has been much different. I started running again when I was going through a breakup. The freedom of running felt like I was running from that breakup and running away from the pain. Then I dealt with my alcoholism battle. I dropped one addiction and ran away from the fear of being someone that had to start from scratch. I saw my life in different eyes, sober eyes and knew that life had to change from here on out. My life has always been one of extremes..If I have one drink, I wanted 10. If I realized I drank too much, I decided sobriety it is! If I loved someone, I wanted them in my life everyday…and if the opposite was the case, I wanted nothing to do with them. I either eat everything or I want to be vegan. I either hate running…or I’m training for a fricken Ultra. As I said before…I’m one of extremes.

Anyway back to what I was saying… running now feels like moving meditation for me and since I’ve been extremely dedicated to yoga in the past year or two, my runs became different.


I learned the art of breathing.

Now when I run, no matter how fast or slow I go, I maintain the same Ujjayi breath. Many of you yogi’s know what this means…its kind of an audible snoring noise that you make breathing in and out only through the nose. I use it in my yoga practice to connect postures in vinyasa style yoga and in restorative yoga it’s helpful in sending breath to the painful spots in the body. It’s quite fantastic, and I feel that it’s what keeps me present on my runs. I just looked up other benefits from a mindbodygreen article on the benefits of Ujjayi breathing:


1. Improves concentration in the physical practice. Becoming absorbed in Ujjayi allows the practitioner to remain in poses for longer periods of time.


2. Instills endurance that enhances a flowing practice by lending a meditative quality that maintains the rhythm of the class.


3. It diminishes distractions and allows the practitioner to remain self aware and grounded in the practice.


4. Ujjayi breath regulates heating of the body. The friction of the air passing through the lungs and throat generates internal body heat. It is similar to a massage for the internal organs; as the core becomes warm from the inside, the body becomes prepared for the asana practice. This heat makes stretching safer while the inner organs can be cleansed of any toxins that have accumulated.


5. A focused Ujjayi breath can release tension and tight areas of the body.


Those 5 benefits of Ujjayi breathing came from:


Now read that list, and imagine the benefits of applying that which is usually for yoga, to running.


Anyway….here I am now with my first half marathon under my belt. In the past I thought that this seemed crazy and too long, and now that I’ve done it, I know that I probably could have kept running. The course itself was really easy for me and I was pretty relaxed and pain free the whole time despite all the hills. I knew it was a really hilly course so most my training was only done on hilly terrain.


Being with the large amount of people, 6000 around there, and all of us having different reasons to be there, different body types, different levels of strength and endurance, all with one common love, the love for running. The most amazing part of this half was being able to run the whole course with my best friend Ashley. Ashley is the one person in my life who can honestly be up for anything, any challenge and be by my side facing everything head on. We plan on doing the Rock and Roll Marathon this summer. It was also amazing seeing her parents and mine as well as my little brother at the finish line! It made me so, incredibly happy…it brought me back to my track days in middle school when they would cheer me on at every meet and I’d be the person in last place eevery single time and they would smile like I was in first. I never gave up and they never stopped being an amazing support system.






Running is beautiful and allows you to almost escape reality, and in the end all you want is more. Since the race I have had to try hard not to train too quickly and it’s difficult, because I’m hooked! I already want a taste of a marathon and hopefully within the next couple years, an Ultra. Running an Ultrathon is something I REALLY, REALLY want. Ever since reading “Eat and Run” by Scott Jurek and “Finding Ultra” by Rich Roll, I idolize them and want an Ultra in my future…if my little legs can handle it.


Anyway short little post:) Hope everyone had a lovely thanksgiving.

So it’s been around 10 days late blogging about my challenge. I don’t really care though because half of this challenge is to get over stressing out so much with being hard on myself. I often feel that I must always follow through or I will let myself down, let you down, and let the whole wide world down. When in reality, life is simple, and if I don’t get to my computer everyday, that’s probably a good thing.

The honest truth is that I haven’t been home. I live with roommates and I don’t know how much longer its going to last here because I feel completely uncomfortable living here. It’s just one person that makes me feel this way but its enough for me to pack my bags and just prefer being away…kind of sad and maybe one of the changes I should have made was moving out…but with everything going on in my near future, the last thing I want to do it make a geographical change until I know my fate.

The worst thing is the feeling of being home but not feeling at home at all. I know I need to find another place to live but it wont be this month.


Despite my lack of blog updates and being away from home for the last two weeks, I really have been making slight challenges everyday. Here is a list of some of the things I’ve been doing:

 1. Teaching Yoga:

I taught my parents/brother yoga again…dad successfully got into crow to headstand and back to crow again:)

I taught my parents/brother yoga again…dad successfully got into crow to headstand and back to crow again:)

2. Inversion Practice:

Worked on inversions and really got comfortable in forearm-stand.

Worked on inversions and really got comfortable in forearm-stand.

3. Brought my little brother to his first hot yoga vinyasa class:) and he loved it and rocked it!

4. Ran My Longest Distance

Went on my longest run ever! (11 miles) I run a lot, but usually only stick to around 5 miles. Even thought this picture says 10 it ended up being 11 because i was still a mile from home and it was 25 degrees out…way too cold to walk.

Went on my longest run ever! (11 miles) I run a lot, but usually only stick to around 5 miles. Even thought this picture says 10 it ended up being 11 because i was still a mile from home and it was 25 degrees out…way too cold to walk.

5. Started Reading “Chi Running”

I started reading "Chi Running" by Danny Dreyer and I HIGHLY recommend it!!!! It’s helped a lot.

I started reading “Chi Running” by Danny Dreyer and I HIGHLY recommend it!!!! It’s helped a lot.

6. Self-Taught Yoga Flow:

Worked on my home yoga practice…this is something I have a hard time just starting since I am weird and prefer to just do yoga around others. It was fantastic and I love home practice now. This picture is just of me practicing inversions though

Worked on my home yoga practice…this is something I have a hard time just starting since I am weird and prefer to just do yoga around others. It was fantastic and I love home practice now. This picture is just of me practicing inversions though

7. Learn to THRIVE:

Practiced with my goal coach Jacki Carr’s idea by writing “Thrive” on a post-it note and placing it under my yoga mat. By doing this we really feel a power. We much THRIVE vs. just survive.

Practiced with my goal coach Jacki Carr’s idea by writing “Thrive” on a post-it note and placing it under my yoga mat. By doing this we really feel a power. We much THRIVE vs. just survive.


8. I went indoor rock-climbing with Jessica

9. Kayak through the Locks and Watch the Sunset:

A couple days ago I went kayaking in Ballard through the locks and out past magnolia and watched the sunset in Seattle

A couple days ago I went kayaking in Ballard through the locks and out past magnolia and watched the sunset in Seattle


look at that amazing sunset! lots of waves started to pick up once out in the sound

look at that amazing sunset! lots of waves started to pick up once out in the sound

heading home and the color of the sky was insane. a wonderful day:)

heading home and the color of the sky was insane. a wonderful day:)

10. Say “No” When I Want to.

I emphasize the importance of being a “Yes” to your life…but sometimes we need to say no. It’s not about failing or letting you or another person down, its about doing what your heart pleases. November is a month of gratitude and I am grateful of OH SO MUCH…I have an amazing family that adore to pieces. I have great friends and a healthy body…but sometimes in November or any other month do you ever realize you sometimes say yes too much? Sometimes I make so many plans that my weeks are strung out with things that I don’t even WANT to do. I have random errands in between mediocre plans that don’t really help me live a full life…they are just things…busy things…to make others happy. I have used this word a lot lately because over everything we must create balance. Anything in excess is probably unnecessary.


So there you go, a little update…I’ll try and get back into my little daily update routine before the month is over and I will try to bring my laptop around with me more:)


Day 12: Write Letters to Everyone You LOVE!

Day 13: Shh!!! It’s a Secret

Day 14: Feed the Homeless


Let’s start with day 12: Write letters to Everyone I Love:

This little challenge ended up being long and time consuming. The only reason I decided to do it was to challenge my communication skills. Too often we replace face-to-face or pen to paper time with texting, the computer, and well basically everything has gone tech-based. How booooring and how anti-social. Before this challenge I realize I’m one of the most antisocial people I know! I blame Seattle. We tuck ourselves indoors and don’t go outside for about 9 months out of the year and are passive aggressive isolators.


Okay I’m kidding…but I do have communication issues. I am a sober little thing going through my 12-step process and I’m on step 4 right now. We have to list all of our fears and explain why they are our fears. We have to write everyone we resent and why….and then recognize where OUR part is in everything. At the end of this process I have realized that I have abandonment issues and care too much what others think of me. I now see that my lack of intimacy or close relationships with people is based on being too afraid to be myself in fear of not being liked. Wow that’s a lot to actually take in isn’t it? I know that if any of you try this challenge, you will notice the same if you truly get honest with yourself.

So I spent the time, I wrote letters to the people I love…and it feels great to get all that love on paper to show people how much they truly mean to me. I will be delivering all of them soon.



Day 13: Shh!! It’s a Secret…

If I were to tell you EVERY challenge of this month, I may be in trouble. This day’s challenge was good enough to happen; yet too personal to tell the whole 5 of you that read this blog. Let’s just say I was holding on to my past a little too much…sometimes when we get sober we have to throw away all the things that remind us of the substance…or in some cases, the substance itself. This was accomplished when cleaning out my closet yesterday and its good to wash my hands of it. End of story;).


Day 14: Feed the Homeless

“The plain truth is that you must start giving before you start receiving. This is the nature of the Universe we live in”-Yogi Bhajan

Today my friend Jess and I spent the day giving. We made 25 different little notes and taped them to burgers and went around downtown Seattle. We thought about a soup kitchen volunteer idea but we felt this was more creative doing our own thing. Some streets are a little scary so it kind of took us a long time walking the streets…we expected to have a lot more people but basically we just gave the burgers to anyone picking out of garbage cans, or anyone with a sign. Some people had no idea what we were doing….they looked a little out of it, some people made no indication that we were even in front of them, and some told us they love us over and over again and smiled. Either way I have never done that before and it made me feel good to help others. I am grateful to have Jess who is willing to do all these things with me! Here are some pictures:


On days I’m just teaching people I decided I don’t need to update every single day about it. As long as I’m teaching I feel like that’s enough to get through that challenge of the day. I will have more posts about different things throughout this month but not everyday since there is not too much to write about when I am teaching. One thing I did different on the 9th is that I taught my family!


I taught them on Saturday…my dad, stepmom and little brother. I made a fantastic playlist that suited them well because they love rock and all the songs I chose were songs from our past that remind me of them.

my rocking playlist for the parents!

my rocking playlist for the parents!

One thing that I forgot was my little cheat sheet for the Baron Baptiste power series. I think it was great that I forgot it because it allowed me to not have a crutch and challenge me to use more of my memory. It was fun but at the same time frustrating not having that guidance. I think I killed two challenges with one stone by not having it with me. I went through the whole flow with them and each of them allowed me to deal with a different kind of student.

My brother was a natural and caught on quick, my mom had trouble with flexibility and it was nice to see her excel over just a course of one class. She complained in the beginning of barely being able to do anything because everything was so tight but by the end of her practice she was excited that she almost could touch her toes. My dad made jokes the whole time and asked a lot of questions and challenged my patience a lot. He did get into crow easily, which was impressive. One thing that worried him a lot was his neck (he has disk problems) and I didn’t know what to say about modifying for it. By the end of it all, they were happy…and want me to teach them every Saturday. I’m starting to see a pattern as I teach! Everyone tells me that I’m going to be a great teacher, most of them want weekly spots in my schedule to teach them one on one like this, and the majority tell me that I don’t give myself enough credit for my ability to teach.


The more positive feedback I receive, the more empowered I am to teach. Having this month long fear challenge has helped me push out of my comfort zone and gain more confidence.


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